I keep turning things over and over again in my head
but nothing seems to make sense.
(but, Romans 5 / e's 3/22 / dates / Millions)
this world sucks bungholes. i'm ready for heaven. peon -- let's make a deal: you push me over the edge and i'll grab your hand while i'm falling
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Friday, March 18, 2005
update
God is good. The past three months have been unexpected, difficult at times, but Excellent. It's amazing how God plans things, how He has planned my life and yours (the history of the world), from the small to the large, every moment, every thought, every realization. Yet, I have taken part in every piece of it, have felt every thing, have made my own choices, good and bad. There are things I regret, things I wish had turned out differently, but I have peace. As Youmie said again and again in her praise report, praise God. Praise God. I may whine, complain, rant, cry, be unhappy angry or bitter, but at the end of it all, all I can say is: praise God, for, my life.
My thoughts have been floating for weeks now. Everything affects me, but nothing seems to stick. Things seem to be left only partially processed in my brain. I feel, or have felt, like this: "It’s nice, these moments tiny and extended that registered as cool, awesome, bad. They do jangle around. But they've been been taken out of context, reduced to quaint memories or unfortunate afterthoughts. There’s no resonance, does that make sense? It could be just me. I think it is. I dwell on the most trivial things and can't stop meting out blame for things I regret. Nothing positive keeps very long, and even the negative are tempered into faultfinding and incessant whining rather than say learning through experience." (from Boo)
Things that have jangled but now are beginning to resonate are: my talk with Pastor Joshua on Jacob & Laban's sheep and learning about God's greater plan despite the deceitfulness and manipulations of people and having this conversation come at the most opportune time when I struggled with my own manipulations despite my being Christian and finally being comforted, topics discussed in Membership Class, the hospitality of my pastor and continued support, Romans 2:28-29 "A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God.", certain songs, certain xanga entries, chul ee's prayer that love would not be some sort of tingly feeling but that we would come to know and experience true Love, chul ee's email, boo's email, victoria's email, eunice's email, debbie, my small group, my church, the way I fiercly love my sister, Pastor Bob, things shared during prayer meetings, the generosity of my podmates Jon Daniel Jennifer and Rebecca and other co-workers, relationships and relationship building, observing people and couples, being able to watch Mitch Hedberg with Les, being able to see Ben Lee live and in person right there less than a foot away with Sue, continuous emails from Les & Goot, God answering my prayer for a support group and supporters responding in such positive ways, Ann's card, Les' advice point of view and words of encouragement "you're fabulous!", my prayers for a changed heart and my discombobulated prayer time, drinking, wondering if my sister loves me half as much as I love her, wondering if my parents love me half as much as they love my sister, knowing that my family cares despite myself, people I have met and run into, my commute, iming with Dinah and her allowing me to beat down certain topics of conversation to the bone, the peon's struggles, anice's calls, comments left on my xanga and how God connects, excerpts from the autobiography of Malcom X today's being "I don't care how nice one is to you; the thing you must always remember is that almost never does he really see you as he sees himself, as he sees his own kind. He may stand with you through thin, but not thick; when the chips are down, you'll find that as fixed in him as his bone structure is his sometimes subconcious conviction that he's better than anybody black." and being reminded of when Albert shared something similar after returning from Mississippi for VOCM and realizing again that I am condescending too many of the times, bears shoelaces and pizza, Houston's, hymns, communion and loving the OPC, reading through old poems, being consumed by worldly desires situations thoughts, really listening to the cd that Brian gave me and being blessed by the songs - Ezekiel "to hear more than echoes of your voice to have more than traces of your love to feel your heart much more than my own...you take my mind away form former things to dwell onf the things of new for you've made a way for me", the inability to hear my voice in the things I have written, being asked if I'm excited for Japan and being unable to answer.
there are many things and people i have left out
I'm still floating, but these things are real. Every day there is more and more I don't understand, but I am constantly being reminded that the truth and transforming ability of the gospel is real. I started to forget, disbelieve. But I haven't been let go. God's blessings are real, they take many forms and shapes. I feel like I'm beginning again (for the umpteenth time) -- discovering sin, deconstructing, rebuilding, learning to rebuild, reassessing, remembering, etc. It's a difficult process, but Excellent and well worth it.
I got love. can't touch that
My thoughts have been floating for weeks now. Everything affects me, but nothing seems to stick. Things seem to be left only partially processed in my brain. I feel, or have felt, like this: "It’s nice, these moments tiny and extended that registered as cool, awesome, bad. They do jangle around. But they've been been taken out of context, reduced to quaint memories or unfortunate afterthoughts. There’s no resonance, does that make sense? It could be just me. I think it is. I dwell on the most trivial things and can't stop meting out blame for things I regret. Nothing positive keeps very long, and even the negative are tempered into faultfinding and incessant whining rather than say learning through experience." (from Boo)
Things that have jangled but now are beginning to resonate are: my talk with Pastor Joshua on Jacob & Laban's sheep and learning about God's greater plan despite the deceitfulness and manipulations of people and having this conversation come at the most opportune time when I struggled with my own manipulations despite my being Christian and finally being comforted, topics discussed in Membership Class, the hospitality of my pastor and continued support, Romans 2:28-29 "A man is not a Jew if he is only one outwardly, nor is circumcision merely outward and physical. No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God.", certain songs, certain xanga entries, chul ee's prayer that love would not be some sort of tingly feeling but that we would come to know and experience true Love, chul ee's email, boo's email, victoria's email, eunice's email, debbie, my small group, my church, the way I fiercly love my sister, Pastor Bob, things shared during prayer meetings, the generosity of my podmates Jon Daniel Jennifer and Rebecca and other co-workers, relationships and relationship building, observing people and couples, being able to watch Mitch Hedberg with Les, being able to see Ben Lee live and in person right there less than a foot away with Sue, continuous emails from Les & Goot, God answering my prayer for a support group and supporters responding in such positive ways, Ann's card, Les' advice point of view and words of encouragement "you're fabulous!", my prayers for a changed heart and my discombobulated prayer time, drinking, wondering if my sister loves me half as much as I love her, wondering if my parents love me half as much as they love my sister, knowing that my family cares despite myself, people I have met and run into, my commute, iming with Dinah and her allowing me to beat down certain topics of conversation to the bone, the peon's struggles, anice's calls, comments left on my xanga and how God connects, excerpts from the autobiography of Malcom X today's being "I don't care how nice one is to you; the thing you must always remember is that almost never does he really see you as he sees himself, as he sees his own kind. He may stand with you through thin, but not thick; when the chips are down, you'll find that as fixed in him as his bone structure is his sometimes subconcious conviction that he's better than anybody black." and being reminded of when Albert shared something similar after returning from Mississippi for VOCM and realizing again that I am condescending too many of the times, bears shoelaces and pizza, Houston's, hymns, communion and loving the OPC, reading through old poems, being consumed by worldly desires situations thoughts, really listening to the cd that Brian gave me and being blessed by the songs - Ezekiel "to hear more than echoes of your voice to have more than traces of your love to feel your heart much more than my own...you take my mind away form former things to dwell onf the things of new for you've made a way for me", the inability to hear my voice in the things I have written, being asked if I'm excited for Japan and being unable to answer.
there are many things and people i have left out
I'm still floating, but these things are real. Every day there is more and more I don't understand, but I am constantly being reminded that the truth and transforming ability of the gospel is real. I started to forget, disbelieve. But I haven't been let go. God's blessings are real, they take many forms and shapes. I feel like I'm beginning again (for the umpteenth time) -- discovering sin, deconstructing, rebuilding, learning to rebuild, reassessing, remembering, etc. It's a difficult process, but Excellent and well worth it.
I got love. can't touch that
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