I splurged today and bought a calendar on Etsy. I was looking for a gift for a friend and stumbled upon this, by Red Prairie Press --






I immediately fell in love with the illustrations.

I can't believe another year is coming to an end. Where does the time go? But I love it -- this time -- with the anticipation of going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, the cold air hitting my face when i walk run or bike, time spent with family and old friends, purchasing and meticulously filling out my new diary, and wondering if I'll ring in the new year quietly.

home

Being back at the house has been good. When I arrived last Tuesday, the kids were excited. G, K, and R have since left, but N, W, and J were still there with one new addition -- S. It surprised me how in the 2 months I was gone, J and W grew so much, especially W. And although I wish their circumstances were different, it was also comforting in this weird way to see that things are the same. I don't think that transitions, well, big transitions like a move, would be good for J and W right now. Even for N -- although he most likely would not act out like J and W, I can see him adding to the other hurts and hardships that he quietly files away within himself.

S is a character. She's only 4 or 5, but asked me last week if I wanted to know the new word she had learned that day. I told her I would love to know and she happily said, "DEVOUR." N looked up from the project he was working on and was like, "Huh?" It startled me too -- that was definitely not the word I was expecting. I felt my mind quickly beginning to question where she had learned that and in what context and what it said of her past and the experiences that brought her here and her understanding of it all, but I quickly stopped that part of my brain, smiled, and said in a very awe-struck tone, "Wow, that's a big word!" S smiled back, clearly proud of herself, and said, "I can spell it too. D-E-V-O-U-R." I was definitely impressed. Although S seems to have adjusted well, I worry for her. Knowing what I do of her history, at some point it has to come out, somehow. I hate that I expect this.

J continues to struggle and I continue to struggle in how to best handle his struggling. I wish he was old enough to understand that the things he holds on to -- the things he values -- will provide no value in the end. I know he seeks them (or, I think a better way to put it is that he is mildly obsessed with them) because he thinks they will give him the power and control he so much wants -- the stuff that will make life good and stable and fair, without pain. But as much as I try to tell him what really matters and what real power is in simple terms and concepts, he doesn't accept it not only because he can't but because he doesn't understand it: it's not the way his world has worked or works even now, no matter how hard we try, and he refuses to accept a world where he won't have the satisfaction of one day being above all those who hurt him. J is only 6 and although that saddens and scares me, it also gives me hope that there's still time.

utopia

I began reading Utopia again. I was reading through the Clarence Miller's introduction, and stopped at the following: After all, dialogue is symbolic of open-mindedness, humility, and inquiry. It made me think of how I don't speak, or don't like to speak, and how I'd rather not talk than talk. It also made me think of how Jay doesn't respond when he and my sister are fighting, and how we are similar -- all the fights I've had in the past with people I love, the way I often stood or sat or laid there unmoving, eyes focused on one point, concentrating on hardening myself.

the past couple of days i've found myself missing you. like, the other day, i was in bank of america preparing a check to deposit. i looked up as the automatic doors opened and for a split second imagined you walking through them -- me greeting you with a surprised smile, and us, hugging. not in a romantic way, but in a genuinely happy-to-see-you-way -- as old friends do. i wish we were in a place where i could call you to catch up, but life isn't always as simple as i want it to be. from experience, actions like these tend to get distorted and complicated.

what's happening to me?

i love fridays because npr airs story corps for a few minutes. i get to catch it on the radio right before I get to work -- it always makes me cry. this morning, i was literally sobbing. (this makes me think of ann moon. over the years i've heard multiple people talk about how she cries at everything, including television commercials. i have yet to witness this, or this side of her, in full.) today a father spoke about his visit to the vietnam war memorial in d.c. to honor his son who had died in the iraq war.

i'm not sure why i was crying -- i think it was a combination of being hit again with the injustices of war and violence (i tend to say "it's not fair! it's not fair!" as the waterworks ensue. i remember doing this while praying after watching nanking, and another time after reading something), seeing the brokenness and pain experienced as a result, but also the grace and providence of God in the midst of it -- His hand in it all. i wonder though, if I reacted in this way because I'm experiencing secondary trauma from my job. i didn't buy into it at first, or thought i was immune, but these days stories (news, movies, books, articles, sermons -- you name it) like this always make me cry! i've noticed too that whereas i used to enjoy watching dark and heartbreakingly realistic movies with lots of raw emotion, now i am a fan of: high school musical and twilight. i realized this last wednesday. while watching glee, andrew turned to me and said, "i never realized it jenn, but you really like cheesy stuff!" and all i could say was, "i know!!" i explained that because i see such crappy stuff on a daily basis, that these days i prefer to escape to lala land in my free time and enjoy being a part of a world where people like troy, gabriella, edward, and the cullens do exist and always do the right thing.