Being back at the house has been good. When I arrived last Tuesday, the kids were excited. G, K, and R have since left, but N, W, and J were still there with one new addition -- S. It surprised me how in the 2 months I was gone, J and W grew so much, especially W. And although I wish their circumstances were different, it was also comforting in this weird way to see that things are the same. I don't think that transitions, well, big transitions like a move, would be good for J and W right now. Even for N -- although he most likely would not act out like J and W, I can see him adding to the other hurts and hardships that he quietly files away within himself.
S is a character. She's only 4 or 5, but asked me last week if I wanted to know the new word she had learned that day. I told her I would love to know and she happily said, "DEVOUR." N looked up from the project he was working on and was like, "Huh?" It startled me too -- that was definitely not the word I was expecting. I felt my mind quickly beginning to question where she had learned that and in what context and what it said of her past and the experiences that brought her here and her understanding of it all, but I quickly stopped that part of my brain, smiled, and said in a very awe-struck tone, "Wow, that's a big word!" S smiled back, clearly proud of herself, and said, "I can spell it too. D-E-V-O-U-R." I was definitely impressed. Although S seems to have adjusted well, I worry for her. Knowing what I do of her history, at some point it has to come out, somehow. I hate that I expect this.
J continues to struggle and I continue to struggle in how to best handle his struggling. I wish he was old enough to understand that the things he holds on to -- the things he values -- will provide no value in the end. I know he seeks them (or, I think a better way to put it is that he is mildly obsessed with them) because he thinks they will give him the power and control he so much wants -- the stuff that will make life good and stable and fair, without pain. But as much as I try to tell him what really matters and what real power is in simple terms and concepts, he doesn't accept it not only because he can't but because he doesn't understand it: it's not the way his world has worked or works even now, no matter how hard we try, and he refuses to accept a world where he won't have the satisfaction of one day being above all those who hurt him. J is only 6 and although that saddens and scares me, it also gives me hope that there's still time.
