the past couple of days i've found myself missing you. like, the other day, i was in bank of america preparing a check to deposit. i looked up as the automatic doors opened and for a split second imagined you walking through them -- me greeting you with a surprised smile, and us, hugging. not in a romantic way, but in a genuinely happy-to-see-you-way -- as old friends do. i wish we were in a place where i could call you to catch up, but life isn't always as simple as i want it to be. from experience, actions like these tend to get distorted and complicated.

what's happening to me?

i love fridays because npr airs story corps for a few minutes. i get to catch it on the radio right before I get to work -- it always makes me cry. this morning, i was literally sobbing. (this makes me think of ann moon. over the years i've heard multiple people talk about how she cries at everything, including television commercials. i have yet to witness this, or this side of her, in full.) today a father spoke about his visit to the vietnam war memorial in d.c. to honor his son who had died in the iraq war.

i'm not sure why i was crying -- i think it was a combination of being hit again with the injustices of war and violence (i tend to say "it's not fair! it's not fair!" as the waterworks ensue. i remember doing this while praying after watching nanking, and another time after reading something), seeing the brokenness and pain experienced as a result, but also the grace and providence of God in the midst of it -- His hand in it all. i wonder though, if I reacted in this way because I'm experiencing secondary trauma from my job. i didn't buy into it at first, or thought i was immune, but these days stories (news, movies, books, articles, sermons -- you name it) like this always make me cry! i've noticed too that whereas i used to enjoy watching dark and heartbreakingly realistic movies with lots of raw emotion, now i am a fan of: high school musical and twilight. i realized this last wednesday. while watching glee, andrew turned to me and said, "i never realized it jenn, but you really like cheesy stuff!" and all i could say was, "i know!!" i explained that because i see such crappy stuff on a daily basis, that these days i prefer to escape to lala land in my free time and enjoy being a part of a world where people like troy, gabriella, edward, and the cullens do exist and always do the right thing.